Wouldn't it be nice...

if money didn't exist.

I know this has been said by many before me, and many will say it after. But it is true.

In the words of the great John Lennon:

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

But it is true. It runs our lives. Could you imagine what people could do if they had the time to follow their dreams. Experience life without the limitations of bills and financial woes.

Don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that money is a necessity. Who would make the cars if we didn't pay for them? Who would supply the cables to my house so that I can have internet?

I just wish there was a solution.

I wish I could skip a step in life. I wish I could follow my dreams. Experience what it feels like to be my own boss. Do the things I know I am fully capable of doing.

I don't care about things. I don't need a fancy car. I couldn't tell you what designer handbags, jeans or shoes are popular now. But I wish I didn't depend on someone else for my food, shelter and well being.

They are all wishes. From generations past and generations to come. Imagine.

But my life was built on a wish. A dream. A hope.

So here is to hoping. Here is to the future.

The way things could have been.

DJ AM died today.

Although I know who he was, and considered him to be talented, I never gave him much thought in life. His death was sad in the way that all celebrity deaths are sad, nothing more.

That is, until I read this article.
http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2008/01/dj-am?currentPage=1

There was such truth in those words. Such pain, struggle and frustration. I understood every emotion, every struggle and each frustration.

I can't compare my life, upbringing and experiences to his, because we all experience this world in a different way. But there were aspects that I was more than comfortable to have understood. Both my sister and I's lives could have ended up this way.

We could have found ourselves in this impossible of battles. But we didn't.

We are strong, we are determined, we are better people because of the things we have endured.

Rest in Peace DJ AM. I hope that you find what you need. And thank you universe. Thank you for keeping my family safe, for not letting my sister end up here today.

I don't know what I would do. . .

Driving

Driving is the most therapeutic thing I know (other than taking a nice long bath).

I recently drove to Kansas City to see an old college friend. It was amazing. Windows down. Wind blowing through my hair. Country music blaring, sun shining and life kicking ass.

I have been putting together a list of things I am thankful for. There are so many.

I have also been inspired to become a more positive person. I used to blog/write/vent much more than I have been. It feels so nice to just get things out. To set them free. To set yourself free from the pressures they create.

To be free.

I don't know what that means anymore and yet I understand it more than I ever have.

It doesn't mean free from people, it doesn't mean free from responsibility, and it doesn't mean free from the problems you create.

It means being free to change, to adapt, to understand that this world is constantly changing and adapting to you. It is the people, responsibilities and problems that make this life unique. Without them, freedom would not be appreciated.

I have decided to be a more positive person. To learn the things about myself that are weak, and make them stronger.

For example. I get in these negative mindsets. Something will set it off, and it just spirals. Life is too short to waste on negativity. I am the alchemist. I create my reality. Believe what you will, but it is this mentality that I undersand, that I abide by. And it is this mentality that I am going to use to become a better person.

Open roads free me.

Open roads open me up to new ideas, possibilities and understanding.

I love driving.

Lucky Iowa

I can't quite put my finger on what it is..

maybe it is my newfound energy, respect for wine and a good days work, but life is good here in Iowa.

I am working on a movie... can't say to much about it here, but look for it in theaters next year :) and we are filming in Iowa. A place I never thought I would visit, especially stay for an extended time. But I like it, it reminds me of the simple life in Texas.

Open roads, nice people, good food, never ending skies and thunder.

It makes me remember why we work hard, what makes dreams worth dreaming. It is so nice to get out of the city. To forget the superficial sighs that border our lives.

I am married to the most amazing man. I miss him every second that I breathe. I wish he was here to experience everything by my side. But at the same time, it is because I am alone that I am finally seeing the things that were always right in front of my face before.

I had a conversation recently with a friend who is adamant about not having children. Both he and his wife agree that they would rather spend the time loving eachother, travelling the world and not risking the stress of children. It wasn't until I had this conversation that I fully understood how much I want to have kids with Daniel. All of these images rushed into my head. How wonderful Daniel is going to be as a father. Our children growing up with the love that we share. It is such a beautiful and comforting image, that I could never imagine giving up.

Don't worry. I am not talking anytime soon... I need a couple of years first :)

But I am happy. Very happy. Content with where I am in life. Excited about the possibilities that the future holds and in love. Learning to take a positive spin on everything and realize that I create my own world... I am the alchemist... and I can only hope to continue on the path I am creating. . .

My Life

I have to admit...

I am lucky.

I am married to the man of my dreams.



I have the cutest dog.



I LOVE my job.



Sometimes I am just waiting for the shoe to drop. Sometimes I can't believe I am lucky enough to have the life I do. But sometimes... I just appreciate it. Love it. Understand how amazing the little things are, and smile.

There, of course, are trying times... but the good outweighs the bad, and for those of you know that know me and my past, that is all I can ask.

What to do.

It is a beautiful day in Lima, Peru.

I had a great night last night with daniel and his best friend jonathan. Drinking beers on the roof, listening to good music, smoking hookah and relaxing. It was much needed.

I am still torn though. I am not the happiest here. I want to be in LA. But I don't want to be away from Daniel. He can't come till January. Do I stay until January to be with him, or do I goto La and follow my career happines and wait for him.

THis is a hard decision. What do I do?

Life's a Beach

So my weekend was pretty fantastic.

Friday night I spent some quality time with an amazing person. My friend Joy and I went to a party in the Hollywood Hills, we could probably have spit on the Hollywood sign, it was fantastic. We have always hung out in groups together and I have known her for years, but this was one of the first times I got to really hang out with her one on one. She is grand.

We talked, ate and danced. Karen and Eddie were also there for a bit so it was an overall great night.

Saturday I woke up with a ton of plans. This is my last weekend before I head to Peru for 10 days to be with my love (which I could not be more excited about). But in reality I ended up staying in my apartment all day and skyping with Daniel. It has become very apparent that I can kick his ass at almost any yahoo game (with the exception of Checkers and Battleship - so we just don't play those.. hehe). It was wonderful spending all day with him, even if it was only virtual.

Sunday I went to Venice beach with some friends:

I was out in the sun all day which is nothing short of amazing.

I left the beach for book club. We were discussing "The Glass Key" and we ALL got the killer wrong. The book was not my favorite, but book club always makes me smile.

I left book club for poker night at Mica's. I didn't win. Mostly because I promised Daniel I would be done by 10:30 so that I could talk to him before it got too late. ANd i did :)

Its just a shame that the wonderful weekend was greeted by an awful Monday.

Long story short, I am not getting a raise. According to my boss my performance is great but the with the strike they cannot afford to give raises.

It is a bad excuse and an insult to my loyalty and hard work. I can't express my disappointment in my workplace and boss.
They pay me next to nothing and I have taken on numerous (money saving) tasks around the office. I am a great employee and they will regret this decision when I leave.

I can't wait to get away.

It has been a while....

WOW.

So it has been a really long time. Here is my life in a nutshell:

I am still living with Debra:

and she is an amazing roommie :)

I have been working at the Skouras Agency for a little over a year now as assistant to Hilary McQuaide. I have learned a ton. and work right on the beach in santa monica:

The biggest piece of news thus far has got to be the fact that I am MADLY in love. His name is Daniel Marin. He is an actor/magician/photographer from Costa Rica. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. HIs smile lights up a room. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

We met one night at a bar in Santa Monica called Arsenal. It was totally random. He walked in, we made eye contact and I fell in love then and there.

I am going to visit him in 10 days in Lima! I am meeting his parents.... AHH! I hope they like me. I am nervous.

In other news, I have recently started knitting. I am getting pretty good, gloves, scarves, java jackets galore. There is a website I am addicted to called ravelry. If you are a knitter, JOIN IT!

I started a book club and we meet every month. We are currently ready the glass key and will be meeting this sunday to discuss. I love book club.

I also started an idea group of sorts. We meet every two weeks and discuss various projects that we are working on, give creative input, advice, support etc. We recently filmed our first series of shorts and I am editing them now. It really keeps my goals in view and I love being creative with a group of amazing people.

Life is good. I complain far too much for someone with very few problems. My family is healthy and doing fantastic, I am in love and have the best friends a gal could ask for.

I promise to start writing more often...

Just smile all the time.

Time. Space. Repetition. Life. Size.
What does it mean.
Why are we compelled to ask the same question over the ages.

How many people have looked upon this same mountain in awe of its grandeur and asked why they are put here.

What does it mean if there really is no answer.
Would it make life on this rock we call home any better. Or any worse.
What creates meaning?

What is interesting, is that the music playing in the background as this is written and read is creating in itself more meaning that was simply typed. If you come back again. The feeling will be lost, turn on another song. Everything changes.

Time. Space. Repetition. Life. Size.

We are nothing.

Ramblings

Family is intersting, because you can never escape it.

Screw you.

Everyone thinks about themselves. Its the big elephant in the room of our society. But it is only so... because it is true.

and screw you if you don't like me. I will never change for you.

I am . . . who I am . . . love me. or don't.

I am not obligated to love you. nor you to I.

I am words. I am emotion. There is nothing more to life. Life becomes how you express it. Maybe I am not artistic enough. But it is all I can be. Love me or hate me. But feel me either way.

I don't have enough anger left to express the hurt you have caused.
and I don't have enough tears left to waist them on your vanity.
I am not here to make you feel better. I have played that role.

and I'm retired.

You can take my beauty and wit. But I will always have my soul.




It is mine alone.

Coons

I'm crying a bit right now..

I had such an amazing trip. I learned so much about my self, others, and life.
Great people.... and amazing adventures.

I don't want to sleep. Because when I put my head to the pillow. It all ends.

I guess everything must come to an end eventually.

But this is what life is about. . . and I love that this trip brought me back to reality. All that matters is adventure, experience, happiness, life.

Each passing day will bring something new.. .. I just wish I had one more with this one.

Cheers to you Nebraska.

Repetition

you know what I love?

when you meet someone. And you just Click.
It is quite unexplainable really. Sometimes you are just meant to be friends with certain people.

It has always amazed me.



As do sunsets.

I went through a pretty hard time a couple of weeks ago. just frustrated with my life. I felt it was stuck. If you will. And then I woke up.

And now there seems to be promise in every direction.

I have amazing friends. People that I just adore being around. Friends I would have never expected to have.

Opportunity is everywhere here. It is hard. It is a lot of work. It is stressful. But it is here. And I couldn't ask for more.

I realized that I am doing everything I have wanted to do. And for that. I am thankful at every sunrise.

The regeneration happening all around is beautiful.

отведите меня домой к вашему дому

I think this video is amazing:
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After a stressful month at work, things are looking up. I finally know how much I am making after my promotion, and am starting to get my reel together, to move on to bigger and better things.

This city amazes me. There are so many opportunites, if you look hard enough. And sometimes when you don't look at all.

I wonder what my experience would have been like had I not moved out here into such a cool group of friends. I am a very lucky person.

A good friend pointed out to me the other day the unofficial start of election season begins with labor day. Notice the gas prices dropping.

I wish it was election season more often. Gas is crazy expensive.

There are a couple of things I miss about Texas (other than my amazing friends and family) . . .

RAIN. Thunderstorms, lighting, the way the air smells before rain, and the think air when it is done.

Hippies.
Live music.
Cheap beer.
6th street.
100+ degrees.

And, when I was in Austin. I was very . . . in my head. In a weird way. I miss that. Not that I want the depression, or the pensive mindset, but in a way, I miss it.

But . . . LA is amazing. And I am happier than I have been in such a long time.

over and out.

My father

I have been afraid lately.

To see my father. I know that he is here. And that the odds of seeing him are so small... but I have this weird feeling that I am goign to run into him.

And I would not know what to do.

It scares me

Why are people so crazy?

I have a very good friend who was unfortunate enough to have dated a psycho.

And yes, she is a girl (as if you really thought a guy was psycho).

They dated for about 7 months, actually met at my house, through a mutual friend. Apparently the fact that we were friends was a little but too much for her, and she became VERY jealous.

So jealous in fact that on one night, while my mother, and 2 good friends (him included) we all playing pool, she decided it would be a good idea to send out a rather scandalous video of the two of them to my cell phone. THis came with a message that said it was also being sent to his mother and boss (he works in the capital so this is a bad bad thing). Text messages continued throughout the night, claiming that she knew I was with him at his apartment ( I was with him, and my MOTHER) and she went on to tell me of the various sexual acts he enjoyed. All very vulgar and nothing that I wanted to know.

I did not respond at first, and as they began to get worse, my responce was simply, "please stop that is gross". I am not a fan of drama and will avoid it at most costs.

Eventually they stopped fighting, and she (or so it seemed) began to understand that he no longer wanted to date her. Things were good for about 3 months, and I had even heard rumor that she was dating someone else.

That all changed yesterday.

I recieved 4 e-mails from my friend... but when I opened them up, they were all personal e-mails to another of his friends . . . saying that he missed me. Then I looked at the subject and realized that it was her sending them FROM HIS ACCOUNT.

So after 3 months of being broken up, she still snooped in his e-mail, looking for some sort of ammo against him. She also hacked into his myspace and changed BOTH of his passwords. SO he could not longer check his myspace or e-mail. THis being bad because he works for the government.....

long story short. Why are girls crazy?

I dont get it. Why does everyone like drama so much? People need to understand that if someone does not like you and want to be with you 110% then the relationship is not worth it. GET OVER IT . . . move on . stop being a baby about it and GROW UP.

Ahh . . well that will be then end of that rant for me . .

on to cooler things. I shot 3 red carpets in the last 3 days . .. I took pictures of a couple of them:
ANT BULLY which was produced by Tom Hanks :)

And John Tucker must die:

yes that is my hand there filmming :)
Tonight I will be filming Taladega Nights . . which is cool . . then getting a drinks with some wonderful, wonderful people. . .

Have I mentioned how much I love my life in LA?

A rant

I hate it when people talk about doing things, and never actually do them.

If you say you are goign to do something . . DO IT. Life is too short to wait for things to happen for you. If you want something, you have to make it happen for yourself.

I suppose that is hard to hold on too in this whirlwind of a life we live in. But so very very important.

"Obsession, obsession, obsession" - A.C. Lyles

There are no disclaimers in life.

Marriage

This story begins with myspace.

As I joined myspace I started to learn a little about the lives of those people I had once knew. In high school. A long long time ago. As I stroll down the lanes of personal pages is becomes apparent to me that almost everyone that I spent those fabulous 4 years with is now married.

Which brings me to the question. Am I supossed to be thinking about that now?

I have a couple good friends now, that I talk to on a daily basis. Both of which are in serious relationships, and they are starting to talk about their marriage plans, and they have time limits for the major events in their lives. They know when they want to have kids, and how long they are goign to wait it out with the guys they are with now etc.

That mindset is so foreign to me. Not that I don't want to have those things, they just seem to be so far away. I am not ready at all.

It always amazes me how different people's lives can be.

My life in California

Well it has been a while since I have posted on this blog, and since my friend Brian uses his blogspot all the time . . . it has sparked my interests again. Sorry blogger for neglecting you.

Lets see. I have moved to California.

I live in Sherman Oaks. I absolutely love my apartment and my roommate. Everything just kind of fell into place. We found the place sight unseen, and it turned out to be a fantastic apartment. My view is beautiful :)


I got a job at Cinema Electric as a receptionist the first week here. And now I run camera for their show Portable Hollywood. Basically I run camera on red carpet events. It is pretty sweet.
The first show I did was Waist Deep. And since then, I have done Rockstar Supernova, Dimes and Whips, The Envy Expo, and Little Man.

The people that I work with are awesome, and I could not have asked for a better job.

Hrm. I need to take more pictures.

ugh

do you ever go through phases when you just hate yourself?

your body, your face, your thoughts, your emotions...

just everything.

I feel that way now. i just want out. just for a second. a break.
unfortunatly those are things that one must live with forever.

Coffee

It is a cold winter night in Austin Texas. The sky is clear, and ice is beginning to form on the windshields of cars. I young lady, clad in sweatpants and collegiate sweater parks her car. Hurries into the warmth of a local 24 hour coffeeshop. She does not look at the menu, she simply walks to the counter, says hello to the Barista that already knows her order. And tips him a couple dollars.

After recieving a double shot of espresso with a little vanilla for flavor and a grande iced hazelnut-vanilla latte, she prepares herself for the walk back to her car. Takes a sip of her hot coffee beverage, and walks out the door. Smiles at the young lady who passes her on a bike, secretly regretting the fact that she did not ride her bike on this amazing Texas night.

The young lady then drives back to her home, listening to Imogen Heap, with the windows open, and her heater blasting. She sips on her espresso in hopes that it will prepare her for the long night ahead. The light turns green, she goes, the light turns red, she stops. Gets out of the car, quietly puts her key in the door, and turns the lights off behind her. Closes her bedroom door, and takes off her sweater.

She looks at a list of seemingly impossible things that must be done before thursday and smiles. She is not good at being bored, and it is almost comforting to know that she will not be for a while.

Life can be so amazing sometimes. If we stop to look at what we do, there is beauty in the simplicity.