I love music.

Its complexity, and its ability to make you feel something. very real, deep within yourself.

I guess I love all art in that way. But there is something about music. It gets in my chest, and makes me breathe differently. I wonder if everyone feels the same way.

I wish more than anything that I could be a musician. But that is not my calling.

But I love being around musicians. There is something about the way they think. It is different. THey see the world in a different way.

But I think I see the world in a differnt way as well.

I have been so busy lately. Really failing at everything. Just not being as on top of things as usual. It is such a weird feeling. Like you are sinking, and instead of realizing that you are sinking, you worry about it. And the worry becomes anxiety, and the anxety makes it hard to breathe, and your chest gets heavy. And instead of getting anything done, you get further behind from not being able to breathe. I hate that feeling.

For the first time in my life I feel like i have taken on too much. But there is nothing that I want to give up. Except work. I wish everyday that I did not have to work. one day....

It is halloween. I wish I coul dbe someone else. Just to experience it. TO know what it feels like to be in someone else's head. To think in a different way, to feel in a different way.

But instead I am goign to be a cowboy.
and drink beer.
and come home alone.
and work in the morning.

but on the way, I will listen to some good music. And it will take me to a new place.

I need to stop expecting people to disappoint me. Because in doing so, they do. And I have some really cool people in my life.

and on that note, I am turning up the radio, putting on my cowboy hat and going out with some kick ass cool girls.

Where Soul Meets Body.....

sometimes I feel so creative, but that I have no outlet for it.

I paint, draw, sing, and WRITE.. and usually I can get it all out in a script. but sometimes......

sometimes, the creativity is so powerful that nothing seems to be enough... it just doesn't do it justice. I can feel it throughout my body. Wonderfully frustrating.

I have been reading "Angels in Amerca" it is a play by Tony Kushner, and I loved it.

I don't want to forget these lines, I love them:

"Love, thats a trap. Responsibility; thats a trap too. Like a father to a son I tell you this: Life is full of horror; nobody escapes, nobody; save yourself. Whatever pulls on you, whatever needs from you, threatens you. Don't be afraid; people are so afraid; don't be afraid to livein the raw wind, naked, alone...Learn at least this; What you are capable of. Let nothing stand in your way."

"Smell is... an incredibly complex and underappreciated physical phenomenon. Inextricably bound up with sex."

"The world doesn't spin backwards. Listen to the world, to how fast it goes."

"At first it can be ery hard to accept how disappointing life is because that's what it is and you have to accept it. With faith and time and hard work you reach a point. . . where the disappointment doesn't hurt as much, and then it gets actually easy to live with. Quite easy. Which is in its own way a disappointment. But. There"

I have been sad the last couple of weeks... don't know what it is.. I am hoping that the cold weather and hot chocolates to come will make me happy... I love sweaters and HATS!!!!!!

I think I will bust out some paints, and see what comes out. Just one of those moods.

I want to take a blanket out in the country, cuddle up underneath and look at stars for hours.