The way things could have been.

DJ AM died today.

Although I know who he was, and considered him to be talented, I never gave him much thought in life. His death was sad in the way that all celebrity deaths are sad, nothing more.

That is, until I read this article.
http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2008/01/dj-am?currentPage=1

There was such truth in those words. Such pain, struggle and frustration. I understood every emotion, every struggle and each frustration.

I can't compare my life, upbringing and experiences to his, because we all experience this world in a different way. But there were aspects that I was more than comfortable to have understood. Both my sister and I's lives could have ended up this way.

We could have found ourselves in this impossible of battles. But we didn't.

We are strong, we are determined, we are better people because of the things we have endured.

Rest in Peace DJ AM. I hope that you find what you need. And thank you universe. Thank you for keeping my family safe, for not letting my sister end up here today.

I don't know what I would do. . .

Driving

Driving is the most therapeutic thing I know (other than taking a nice long bath).

I recently drove to Kansas City to see an old college friend. It was amazing. Windows down. Wind blowing through my hair. Country music blaring, sun shining and life kicking ass.

I have been putting together a list of things I am thankful for. There are so many.

I have also been inspired to become a more positive person. I used to blog/write/vent much more than I have been. It feels so nice to just get things out. To set them free. To set yourself free from the pressures they create.

To be free.

I don't know what that means anymore and yet I understand it more than I ever have.

It doesn't mean free from people, it doesn't mean free from responsibility, and it doesn't mean free from the problems you create.

It means being free to change, to adapt, to understand that this world is constantly changing and adapting to you. It is the people, responsibilities and problems that make this life unique. Without them, freedom would not be appreciated.

I have decided to be a more positive person. To learn the things about myself that are weak, and make them stronger.

For example. I get in these negative mindsets. Something will set it off, and it just spirals. Life is too short to waste on negativity. I am the alchemist. I create my reality. Believe what you will, but it is this mentality that I undersand, that I abide by. And it is this mentality that I am going to use to become a better person.

Open roads free me.

Open roads open me up to new ideas, possibilities and understanding.

I love driving.

Lucky Iowa

I can't quite put my finger on what it is..

maybe it is my newfound energy, respect for wine and a good days work, but life is good here in Iowa.

I am working on a movie... can't say to much about it here, but look for it in theaters next year :) and we are filming in Iowa. A place I never thought I would visit, especially stay for an extended time. But I like it, it reminds me of the simple life in Texas.

Open roads, nice people, good food, never ending skies and thunder.

It makes me remember why we work hard, what makes dreams worth dreaming. It is so nice to get out of the city. To forget the superficial sighs that border our lives.

I am married to the most amazing man. I miss him every second that I breathe. I wish he was here to experience everything by my side. But at the same time, it is because I am alone that I am finally seeing the things that were always right in front of my face before.

I had a conversation recently with a friend who is adamant about not having children. Both he and his wife agree that they would rather spend the time loving eachother, travelling the world and not risking the stress of children. It wasn't until I had this conversation that I fully understood how much I want to have kids with Daniel. All of these images rushed into my head. How wonderful Daniel is going to be as a father. Our children growing up with the love that we share. It is such a beautiful and comforting image, that I could never imagine giving up.

Don't worry. I am not talking anytime soon... I need a couple of years first :)

But I am happy. Very happy. Content with where I am in life. Excited about the possibilities that the future holds and in love. Learning to take a positive spin on everything and realize that I create my own world... I am the alchemist... and I can only hope to continue on the path I am creating. . .