I am told that it will get better with time.

I have thought about this for a long time.

Should I continue to post or not.

I have decided that I am not going to stop, I am not going to create another diary just so that someone wont read it.

This diary is here for me to vent. This is how I feel, this is how I think, this is who I am.

My mother read this. So please, take a second that read through my writings, see what I said.

1) well, my mother has a lump in her breast. She found out about it like 5 years ago (I just now found out) and she did not do anything about it. It has doubled in size. Breast cancer runs in my family. Bad combination. That means it has just been growing (if it is in fact breast cancer) She will not make an appointment. She keeps saying that she is too busy.... but what could possibly be more important than your life? I mean, what is the point of doing all of these things if you die of cancer?I am so mad at her...

2) wish I could describe what it feels like to be completely and utterly alone in the world.I do not know where my mother is living and have not talked to her in a week and a half. And my real father wants nothing to do with me. My stepfather has been missing and pressumed dead. I have not talked to my sister in about a month.

3) And I have not talked to my mother in about a week.I hate feeling as if I am the person that is always there for everyone else. Not that I don't want to be there for people that I care about. I just feel people take advantage of that. They know that I will be there if they call, that I will drop what I am doing to help them, and to make them feel better. And I hate feeling bad when I need help. I don't have anyone in my life who is there for me when I need them. I am all alone. So I have decided that I am not going to call in on my family as much. It is time that I stop being the mother in my mothers life and start focsing on my own. I have given up so much.. and I do not regret a single bit of it. But I am not going to do it any more. For once in my life, I am going to think about myself first.

4) It is sad when you realize that no one in the world loves you

This is the responce that my sister and I recieved:

"Hope your terrible lives get better. never knew you had it so bad, i'll stay out of it, never knew i was such a burden. guess it's all about money with you two. please don't call me, it's not like you need me for anything anyway. Good luck and i truly hope you both find happiness in this world, i tried my best to give you that but i guess when the money ran out, well....enough said. you'll figure it out on your own. good luck, Love you guys always, MOM"

and then:
"please lose my number, get your own phone numbers and dont call me. I'm sick of your lies and fake worlds"

Then, health and dental was cancelled. She cancelled my sister's phone when she was driving to Austin to come see me for my birthday.

Go back, read what I wrote.

Do you think that we deserved what she did?

I don't think that I have ever been as depressed as I am right now. I have been seeing a councelor. But basically just drinking a lot, and trying to keep my mind off of it. I know that it is not a good idea. But I don't see anything else. The pain hurts so bad. I feel like I can't breathe. Like my lungs are already full and heavy but no air is in them. There is this huge weight on my chest. I cry every night and throughout the day almost every hour.

The thing that I don't understand is that if you read what I wrote, it was obvious that I felt she did not care about me that much in the first place. That I hardly ever heard from her. That I did not feel as if she loved me. I was insecure and needed someone to just be there for me. And this is the way that she reacts. I have had several conversations with friends about it and no one understands.

It is pretty bad when your mother does not love you. And you can tell me all day that she is just over reacting, and that one day she will say she is sorry, but actions speak so much louder than words.

How can you tell your kids that you never want to speak to them again?

How? A mother's love is supossed to be unconditional. I guess that is a lie.

And the comment "I guess it is all about money with you too". Where did that come from? I never ask for money.

About a week before all this happened, I called her one day crying, wanting to talk to someone, she blew me off and handed the phone to a friend who asked me "are you coming home for the summer" and I responded with "no, I have work and school to pay for" Which is the truth, I have summer school starting July 11th and owe $1,000 by July 9th. She got mad, hung up the phone and sent me a text message telling me to stop telling people that I pay for my college.

She tells me that one day if the shop makes money she is going to help me pay back my student loans. So therefore she thinks that she pays for my college.

First of all, I get the smallest loans possible. Right now, I owe $28,000 in loans, over 4 years. According to UT, college costs $14,000 a year, so I think I am doing pretty good. Tuition for next semsester is $4,000. But I digress.

The point that I am trying to make, is that I do it all myself. All my rent, and books and loans etc. I never make her feel bad about it. I never ask her for money. The truth is, that I can't come to Dallas to help her because I have my own finances to take care of, and college to pay for. I have always supported her in opening her coffee shop, and I hope for her that it works out. But it is not my dream, I hope to never live in dallas again, and I don't want to work in this industry. I want to make art, films and be creative.

So the money thing. I don't know where that came from. Maybe she wishes that she could be paying for it. I don't know. But money is something that I have never really cared about. Anyone who knows me knows my LOVE for thifty shopping.

Beside the point. My mother has told me to never call her again, and I intend to grant her that wish. Should she apologize one day, it will be a very long road to forgiveness. I have never been hurt by anyone this much in my life.

You just don't tell your kids to never talk to you again. You just don't do it.

It is like knife through the heart.