I love music.

Its complexity, and its ability to make you feel something. very real, deep within yourself.

I guess I love all art in that way. But there is something about music. It gets in my chest, and makes me breathe differently. I wonder if everyone feels the same way.

I wish more than anything that I could be a musician. But that is not my calling.

But I love being around musicians. There is something about the way they think. It is different. THey see the world in a different way.

But I think I see the world in a differnt way as well.

I have been so busy lately. Really failing at everything. Just not being as on top of things as usual. It is such a weird feeling. Like you are sinking, and instead of realizing that you are sinking, you worry about it. And the worry becomes anxiety, and the anxety makes it hard to breathe, and your chest gets heavy. And instead of getting anything done, you get further behind from not being able to breathe. I hate that feeling.

For the first time in my life I feel like i have taken on too much. But there is nothing that I want to give up. Except work. I wish everyday that I did not have to work. one day....

It is halloween. I wish I coul dbe someone else. Just to experience it. TO know what it feels like to be in someone else's head. To think in a different way, to feel in a different way.

But instead I am goign to be a cowboy.
and drink beer.
and come home alone.
and work in the morning.

but on the way, I will listen to some good music. And it will take me to a new place.

I need to stop expecting people to disappoint me. Because in doing so, they do. And I have some really cool people in my life.

and on that note, I am turning up the radio, putting on my cowboy hat and going out with some kick ass cool girls.

Where Soul Meets Body.....

sometimes I feel so creative, but that I have no outlet for it.

I paint, draw, sing, and WRITE.. and usually I can get it all out in a script. but sometimes......

sometimes, the creativity is so powerful that nothing seems to be enough... it just doesn't do it justice. I can feel it throughout my body. Wonderfully frustrating.

I have been reading "Angels in Amerca" it is a play by Tony Kushner, and I loved it.

I don't want to forget these lines, I love them:

"Love, thats a trap. Responsibility; thats a trap too. Like a father to a son I tell you this: Life is full of horror; nobody escapes, nobody; save yourself. Whatever pulls on you, whatever needs from you, threatens you. Don't be afraid; people are so afraid; don't be afraid to livein the raw wind, naked, alone...Learn at least this; What you are capable of. Let nothing stand in your way."

"Smell is... an incredibly complex and underappreciated physical phenomenon. Inextricably bound up with sex."

"The world doesn't spin backwards. Listen to the world, to how fast it goes."

"At first it can be ery hard to accept how disappointing life is because that's what it is and you have to accept it. With faith and time and hard work you reach a point. . . where the disappointment doesn't hurt as much, and then it gets actually easy to live with. Quite easy. Which is in its own way a disappointment. But. There"

I have been sad the last couple of weeks... don't know what it is.. I am hoping that the cold weather and hot chocolates to come will make me happy... I love sweaters and HATS!!!!!!

I think I will bust out some paints, and see what comes out. Just one of those moods.

I want to take a blanket out in the country, cuddle up underneath and look at stars for hours.

ACL 2K5

THANK YOU BLAKE BUFFINGTON.... FREE 3 DAY PASSES KICKED ASS!!!

Saturday I got off work at 3:00, picked up a ticket for Giffy K and headed to the festival. We got to park at Blake's law firm, so the walk was not bad at all....

IT WAS SOO HOT AND DUSTY... and I loved every minute of it....

I saw:
Death Cab for Cutie - great show, good to hear their new stuff on there.. I love the new album.
John Butler Trio - watched them while we ate. I just love their sound, so chill.
The dirty Dozen Brass Band - wished we could have stayed longer.
Jet - It could have "rocked a little harder" but Giffy K's yelling made it all worth it :)
Bloc Party- awesome show, really want to get a little more into their music. I like it.
Oasis- horrible...enough said
Widespread panic - AMAZING, favorite show of the day. I love hippy dancing...

I got off work at 3:00 again on sunday, and headed back down, to hang in the 108 degree heat...Gotta Love Texas.

I saw:
The Arcade Fire - BEST SHOW OF THE FESTIVAL... I am in love... its been a while.
The Decemberists - Had never heard them, but I am impressed.
Wilco - They were good. I think the show was a lot better for those that knew all the songs. They didn't do much for new listeners. We left early.
Franz Ferdinand - Just caught the tale end from far away, but they sounded good.
The Black Keys - great band, one of my favorite perfomances there.
Coldplay - I was wondering what kind of show they would put on, because their music is so chill and depressing. But they were awesome, even played some Johnny Cash... maybe just because we are in Texas, but who knows. I did not want them to stop...

Some pics:





Over all, it was an amazing adventure. I fear that I am going to be spending some money on CD's... donations accepted.

Friday night was solid downtown action... Great little weekend.... :) I love music so much.

Sideways

I love it when you listen to a song and you can connect with it so deeply that it takes over all of your emotions, and you feel the song. Makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

One of the best feelings ever.

I guess I can sleep when I am dead.....

So school ... is hard ... really hard this semester. But I can do it. Shit, If I can do good in school this semester, I don't think there is anything I can't do.

I have some really good friends.

I have started working out on a regular basis. I really need to get in better shape. I miss being hot.

I want a boyfriend. That is sad isn't it? I just don't think I am cut out for the dating scene. I like knowing that someone wants to be with me, and I like caring for and being with other people. But you know what they say, if you are looking, you will never find it. But I don't really know how to not look. I just want someone nice, that opens doors and lets me order first. A gentleman if you will. But I have to be able to talkto him... there is nothing worse than a surface relationship.

Now I sound desperate, I promise I am not. I have Andrea.. and she is all I need...... hehe

Things are a little stable now... bad things are happening that I won't really go into detail, but everyone is really upbeat and positive about them. It helps. Needless to say, I am worried about the people I love right now, but am sure that everything and everyone will be alright.

Until next time... here are some fun pics.... I spared you the one of my ass.... you will have to ask larissa for that one.

Labor Day Weekend

so I am upset, nothing I wont get over.

This weekend was not so good. Filled with drama and people that treated me like shit.

But here are some pictures of some really kick ass girls that feed me pumpkin pie and cool whip to make me feel better. Thanks girls.. I love you :)

The Beginning of the End :)

So school starts this Wed. I am very excited about it. I don't like not workin on films.

I am taking Film I. I am nervous because I am having to take more time off work to take it, and it is an expensive class. . but I am hoping everything will work out.

The last few weeks of summer have been INSANE... too much drinking, but in the good hanging out with friends way. This will all end with one last tuesday cain and abels night.

Here are some pics from the craziness.....

We Love you and Miss You.

Here's to Joe.. the first guy I kissed in college :) You will be missed.

Joe Maland

(1983-2005)

ODE TO RYAN

This is for Ryan....

Silent 6 Cinema was Kick Ass Cool...

So all of the hard work paid off. We packed the Chuggin Monkey on a Sunday night at 8:00. It was a wonderful night of friends and fun. We are going to keep it going. Which I am pretty excited about.

On a side note, things have been crazy in the life of Stephanie. . .

My apartments found out about the kitten, and the gave me a notice that he had to be out in 24 hours or they would take him to the pound. So he is living with a family in Round Rock. He has another kitten his age and 2 kids and 2 parents. I hope that he will be very happy. I loved that damn cat. Still do...

Ever listen to Keith Urban? He is so wonderful. I love his music. As cheesy and country as it may be. Makes me want to be in love, and happy. Or maybe it is just because I am lonely now. I am always amazed at how music can make you feel... so deep inside.... so intense...

I hate not being busy. Which can be a good thing, because i am always getting stuff done, usually good things that are great for my future etc. But the reality of the situation is that I can't be bored. I am so sad when I have nothing to do. I don't know how to be still...

Thankfully school starts at the end of this month, so I only have about a week without a project.

What is your biggest fear.

My biggest fear in life is not succeeding.

It scares me sometimes.

Listening to Lucinda Williams and I love it.

So we wrapped filming on "Dear Teacher" The film that I wrote/directed/co-produced on the 10th. It was quite the experience. I had never worked with such a professional crew before, and I was the youngest on the set. I learned a lot. It was amazing. We are starting the editing process now.

I am putting together a film festival on august 7th. THis is a sunday night. I am doing it with 6 other people from my class. It is going to be amazing. We are going to have live bands play under old black and white silent films. They are going to interpret each film differently. I can't wait. Free beer :)

John moved to Houston. Its hard, but I know that no matter what happens we will always be friends. And that is good to know.

Kitty is doing great.. he is such a good cat :)

I think David is gettting fired from work... I am so glad.. he is such an asshole.

HERE IS A COPy :)

...

http://www.burningfromice.com/video/fantastic/index.html

This is the 48 hour project I was talking about in the previous post :) YAY

42 Hours Later

WOW....

So the 48 hour fest was this weekend. First of all, me and Meredith (my co-producer/friend) both had to be at work at 6:30 Friday morning until 2. And we were both hoping for a nap until 5, but we had to do a location scout for a location we are going to use Saturday the 2nd... so there was no rest for the weary. We got home around 3:30, and I got all of the things I thought I might need for 2 days, and took a quick hour long nap.

And then it began.

I left at 5:30 for Hickory street bar and grill.... Everyone got there arund 6, and we all introduced ourselves and ate a little food.

Then the call came. 7:00 on the dot.

Fantasy was our Genre, M. Green was the main character's name, Landscape artist was his profession, windchimes were our mandatory prop, and "I must be doing something right" was the line of dialouge that must be in the film.

Brainstorming started, we went through several ideas that were good, but not quite good enough. Then we came to the idea of a fantastical great escape knockoff was going to happen, me and meredith RAN to the car, and raced to her house.

We would need to make a jail full of elves - THINK POINTY EARS ! ! !

So we have everyone come to the house (that is not writing) and we make molds of their ears. Which finished around 12am. Then everyone else went to bed. We started cleaning out the molds and sculpting tips out of clay to fit on top of them. Billy helped out with this. He designed all of them, they were cool. Then we let them dry, took off the ear base, and put latex over them, creating little tips that could be put on anyone's ears!!

We were finished with all of this around 6:30 in the morning. NO SLEEP YET!

Then, we got the script.

24 characters!!!! Elves, Trolls, Rumplestilskin, tooth fairy, easter bunny, pixie, leprechaun, etc.... LOTS of make up work, LOTS of costume work.

Just when we thought we might have a break, we freaked out. THis is going to take a long time to get done. We all tell the producer Joe to send the actors over as soon as possible.

We started making them all up, and did not get done until 1:00PM

Then we made our way to Richard Garriott's place. He has a little mideval city on his property. Which was amazing. Awesome location. Our film looks so cool.

We were filming there until 9:30, and then we made our way to the county jail, downtown. There were problems getting in, but they let the bare bones crew in, and Caroline (Meredith's partner) and me and Meredith FINALLY get to go home.

42 Hours with no sleep and constant work.

What a RUSH!!!! IT WAS AWESOME.

Today they are editing, and the tape is to be turned in at 7:00 at the Dog and Duck Pub. We are all going to drink a few!

Then I will come home and do more preproduction for "Dear Teacher" My film that will be shot next week with almost all the same people.

I LOVE BEING A FILMMAKER :)

Doing things by yourself makes you think about things.

I know what I want to do when I grow up!!!

I have done a lot of thinking about what I want to do in the whole film industry, and I have finally figured it out.

I am going to start a non-profit organization that makes blockbuster motion pictures (i.e Big ones that make a lot of money) and I want all of the profits to go to abused children. All of the films will be stories about abused kids, emotionally, physically and mentally. But not all cheesy like lifetime movies and what not. Good ones, that sell.

I was thinking about how much money movies make, and it is crazy, Just imagine how much that money could help someone.

That is where I come in. I don't think anything like this has been done before.

I have a lot of work to do, but I am excited.

I am told that it will get better with time.

I have thought about this for a long time.

Should I continue to post or not.

I have decided that I am not going to stop, I am not going to create another diary just so that someone wont read it.

This diary is here for me to vent. This is how I feel, this is how I think, this is who I am.

My mother read this. So please, take a second that read through my writings, see what I said.

1) well, my mother has a lump in her breast. She found out about it like 5 years ago (I just now found out) and she did not do anything about it. It has doubled in size. Breast cancer runs in my family. Bad combination. That means it has just been growing (if it is in fact breast cancer) She will not make an appointment. She keeps saying that she is too busy.... but what could possibly be more important than your life? I mean, what is the point of doing all of these things if you die of cancer?I am so mad at her...

2) wish I could describe what it feels like to be completely and utterly alone in the world.I do not know where my mother is living and have not talked to her in a week and a half. And my real father wants nothing to do with me. My stepfather has been missing and pressumed dead. I have not talked to my sister in about a month.

3) And I have not talked to my mother in about a week.I hate feeling as if I am the person that is always there for everyone else. Not that I don't want to be there for people that I care about. I just feel people take advantage of that. They know that I will be there if they call, that I will drop what I am doing to help them, and to make them feel better. And I hate feeling bad when I need help. I don't have anyone in my life who is there for me when I need them. I am all alone. So I have decided that I am not going to call in on my family as much. It is time that I stop being the mother in my mothers life and start focsing on my own. I have given up so much.. and I do not regret a single bit of it. But I am not going to do it any more. For once in my life, I am going to think about myself first.

4) It is sad when you realize that no one in the world loves you

This is the responce that my sister and I recieved:

"Hope your terrible lives get better. never knew you had it so bad, i'll stay out of it, never knew i was such a burden. guess it's all about money with you two. please don't call me, it's not like you need me for anything anyway. Good luck and i truly hope you both find happiness in this world, i tried my best to give you that but i guess when the money ran out, well....enough said. you'll figure it out on your own. good luck, Love you guys always, MOM"

and then:
"please lose my number, get your own phone numbers and dont call me. I'm sick of your lies and fake worlds"

Then, health and dental was cancelled. She cancelled my sister's phone when she was driving to Austin to come see me for my birthday.

Go back, read what I wrote.

Do you think that we deserved what she did?

I don't think that I have ever been as depressed as I am right now. I have been seeing a councelor. But basically just drinking a lot, and trying to keep my mind off of it. I know that it is not a good idea. But I don't see anything else. The pain hurts so bad. I feel like I can't breathe. Like my lungs are already full and heavy but no air is in them. There is this huge weight on my chest. I cry every night and throughout the day almost every hour.

The thing that I don't understand is that if you read what I wrote, it was obvious that I felt she did not care about me that much in the first place. That I hardly ever heard from her. That I did not feel as if she loved me. I was insecure and needed someone to just be there for me. And this is the way that she reacts. I have had several conversations with friends about it and no one understands.

It is pretty bad when your mother does not love you. And you can tell me all day that she is just over reacting, and that one day she will say she is sorry, but actions speak so much louder than words.

How can you tell your kids that you never want to speak to them again?

How? A mother's love is supossed to be unconditional. I guess that is a lie.

And the comment "I guess it is all about money with you too". Where did that come from? I never ask for money.

About a week before all this happened, I called her one day crying, wanting to talk to someone, she blew me off and handed the phone to a friend who asked me "are you coming home for the summer" and I responded with "no, I have work and school to pay for" Which is the truth, I have summer school starting July 11th and owe $1,000 by July 9th. She got mad, hung up the phone and sent me a text message telling me to stop telling people that I pay for my college.

She tells me that one day if the shop makes money she is going to help me pay back my student loans. So therefore she thinks that she pays for my college.

First of all, I get the smallest loans possible. Right now, I owe $28,000 in loans, over 4 years. According to UT, college costs $14,000 a year, so I think I am doing pretty good. Tuition for next semsester is $4,000. But I digress.

The point that I am trying to make, is that I do it all myself. All my rent, and books and loans etc. I never make her feel bad about it. I never ask her for money. The truth is, that I can't come to Dallas to help her because I have my own finances to take care of, and college to pay for. I have always supported her in opening her coffee shop, and I hope for her that it works out. But it is not my dream, I hope to never live in dallas again, and I don't want to work in this industry. I want to make art, films and be creative.

So the money thing. I don't know where that came from. Maybe she wishes that she could be paying for it. I don't know. But money is something that I have never really cared about. Anyone who knows me knows my LOVE for thifty shopping.

Beside the point. My mother has told me to never call her again, and I intend to grant her that wish. Should she apologize one day, it will be a very long road to forgiveness. I have never been hurt by anyone this much in my life.

You just don't tell your kids to never talk to you again. You just don't do it.

It is like knife through the heart.